You can go home again
by owlofgrantham
Summary: As the first winter after Sybil's passing arrives at Downton, the modern times torment Robert in a way which is new to him. Will Cora's attempt to help bring him back to where he belongs? - Part of the Cobert Winter Wonderland Exchange.
1. Chapter 1

_My dear Coberts, this is my contribution to the Cobert Winter Wonderland Exchange. It's a little multi-chapter story, which is set somewhere between the end of series 3 and the "Journey to the Highlands". Although it starts a bit on the sad side, I promise you a hot and happy ending - after all, it's supposed to be a Christmas story. I hope you'll enjoy it and am sorry for any mistakes. Merry Christmas to all of you!_

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It was very rare that Robert went to bed before her, but today he had excused himself at the first convenient moment without being impolite to their guests.

When she entered her room, an unexpected wave of relief washed over her, because for a little while after her husband had gone up, she feared he might have decided to sleep in his dressing room. But there he was, lying on his side of their bed, where he belonged, already sound asleep.

She knew, the last months, even years, had been tough. They had been for all of them but especially for him. First the to and fro between Mary and Matthew, then this dreadful war, where he had come to feel superfluous and unwanted by almost everyone. Everyone but this maid apparently. But they had overcome that - whatever it was - because she had decided not to talk about what she had sensed and he had become his usual attentive self again. If she was honest, since then, her husband had lavished even more attention on her than he ever had before. Which had never been a sparse amount anyway. He loved her - and only her - she was absolutely sure of that in some strange way, and she loved him. In the very end, it had been that easy.  
And there had been happy moments, too. Few and far in between. The war had ended victorious, Matthew had recovered from his wounds and he had proposed to Mary, who had - finally - come to her senses and accepted him happily.

But after that, the dark days had returned and it had gone on and on. One beating after another. Bates' trial, the loss of her fortune, the death of their beloved Sybil and the rift it had caused between them, the fight over the christening of their first grandchild, the modernising of Downton and the growing impatience of Matthew on that account.

At least the annual cricket match had gone in his favour.

She really liked to watch him sleep. It had been so long since she last had had the chance and it worried her greatly that he had developed problems with his sleep, which had taken her quite some time to notice. In the beginning he had woken her one or two times with his tossing around, but then he had just stopped tossing. When he couldn't sleep, he just lay awake, thinking, staring at the ceiling, waiting, sometimes until dawn when he would get up before she awoke and go about his business as if nothing had happened. If he couldn't find sleep for more than three nights in a row, he took a pill which knocked him out cold.

He just looked so peaceful. No frown, no sadness in his eyes, no hand clenched into a silent fist, but the empty glass on his nightstand told her that he had needed help to reach that peace. Again. It was the second time this week. Cora sighed, sat down on the bed next to his sleeping form and took his hand in hers. She knew he wouldn't wake up for he was more than just sound asleep. After she had noticed that Robert was taking some sort of medicine before bed, she had asked Dr Clarkson about it because her husband obviously didn't want to tell her. He had brushed it off as nothing for her to worry about, when she had asked him. The good Doctor though had told her that he had advised Robert not to use this stuff unless he felt it absolutely necessary, otherwise there would be the chance of organ damage, not to mention addiction.

She kissed his hand and threaded her fingers through his. What was he trying to hide from her? He had always been difficult - to say the least - when he was ill. He hated feeling weak and he always tried to conceal it until it was so obvious that he was no longer able to hide it anymore. With her free hand she started to comb tenderly through his hair. There was no sign from him that he acknowledged her presence on any level. The longer they were together the more astonished she was at how much a person could love another person. It wasn't the hot fire, the burning ache or the desperate longing from their first years together anymore. It was so very much more than that now. There still was fire, ache and longing but it was somehow different. It had transformed into an intimacy that you only acquired after years and years of being together. Into a kind of intimacy where you would be able to finish the other ones sentences if you wanted to. Some had called that "security" and "routine" and therefore boring, but in her eyes they were wrong, because this intimacy didn't mean that they wouldn't surprise each other now and then with gifts, ideas or speeches, but it meant that those gifts, ideas or speeches wouldn't threaten their relationship in any way and she wouldn't for the life of her exchange that for the rather shallow feeling of falling in love and for all the uncertainty that comes with it, as exciting as it had been in those days when she had first met Robert. Without knowing he had taught her to love with all that she was and with all her heart and when he was like this - shutting her out and trying to hide his troubles from her - her heart was the very first thing to ache. She knew he did it partly because he loved her in much the same way and wanted to protect her, but in those cases he would actually protect her more if he included her, for her hurting heart always caused her more pain than the troubles of the outside world ever could.  
She sighed again and caressed his warm and stubbly cheek for a short moment before she let her hand wander a bit further down to rest on his chest. Slowly she let her head sink down to rest next to it and for a long while she just listened to his even heartbeat and recalled her thoughts at dinner. How he had looked at her and how they had held hands for a moment in the drawing-room. When he had squeezed her hand suddenly with an unexpected intensity she had thought that tonight, maybe, they would make love again. It had been some time now. Over the last two weeks he either had been knocked out by his medication or too exhausted and not in the mood due to lack of sleep. But when he went upstairs shortly after, she knew it wasn't to be.

Cora felt lost.

"Please, my love," she whispered into the unresponsive darkness, "what can I do? I miss you. Talk to me, please? Tell me what to do?"

But there was no answer and Cora soon drifted away into a light slumber.


	2. Chapter 2

When Robert awoke the next morning the fire was burning as always and someone had already opened the curtains. He felt awful, his mouth felt dry, his eyes felt puffy and the lids heavy and something was weighing down on his chest, but nonetheless he was glad he had slept. He was glad he hadn't dreamt. That terrifying dream that seemed to haunt him. But he didn't feel refreshed exactly, more like hung over although he hadn't been drinking anything remotely alcoholic since dinner the night before. But what choice did he have at the moment? Either he took the sleeping pills, slept like a stone and felt awful in the morning or he didn't sleep at all and felt awful all the time. So on more occasions than was probably wise he had chosen the first option. He knew what the doctor had said of course, but what was he to do? He didn't know.

It was snowing outside, Robert noticed and it made him smile. The first snow of the year. He liked these days because the world suddenly seemed so calm. Everything and everyone seemed to have more time because a lot of things and a lot of work couldn't be done when there was a blanket of snow slowing everything down and he longed for some quiet days to spend with his thoughts and with his wife.

Thinking of his wife, Robert finally noticed what the unusual weight on his chest was. To his astonishment it was Cora, who apparently had slept like this the whole night through for she was still wearing her dressing gown and lay on top of the covers. Her arms were wrapped around his torso and her head rested exactly where his heart was. It almost made him cry. He knew that he had to tell her something soon because she had noticed something wasn't right and if he was honest, he was glad about that. It would have been even worse if she hadn't, but he hated it when he gave her reason to worry. Years ago he had realised that all he really wanted in his life besides handing over Downton to his heir in a good condition was for her to be happy. Without knowing she had taught him everything he knew about feelings and emotion, everything an Englishman was destined to be bad at, about love, true love and trust, about companionship and intimacy, and recently about coping with a changing world he felt he didn't understand anymore. But she made him want to. For her sake he wanted to understand that brave new world because he had seen the sadness in her eyes when he had insisted once again on the old ways and overemphasised tradition in situations where that was very obviously the wrong path to travel.

When Robert started to play with her hair, letting his fingers brush over her cheek now and then, she slowly stirred under his touch and a smile appeared and lit up her beautiful face.

"Good morning, Darling," he said with a smile of his own.

"Good morning," she answered and started absent-mindedly to caress his chest while he let his hands wander over her neck and shoulders.

"Did you have a good nights sleep?" Cora asked and pressed her cold body against his warm one.

"I did," he said and it wasn't even a lie. He had had a good nights sleep, he just hadn't had the kind of sleep he would have liked.

"You're still in your dressing gown. What happened?"

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to sit with you for a while last night and I must have fallen asleep."

"I am the one who should be sorry. It must have been very uncomfortable. Are you cold?" His voice had dropped to a whisper and his hands had wandered down her back.

"A bit cold, but your body could never be uncomfortable to me," she murmured, opened his pyjamas and started to breathe feathery kisses across his chest. When she heard him sighing deeply and felt his hand squeezing her backside, she dared to hope. The mood was certainly right and maybe, just maybe...

With swift and practiced motions she crawled under the covers and on top of him.

"Oooh," Robert hissed.

"What? Is something wrong? Don't you want to?" Cora's hopes sank.

"Yes, I want to," he reassured her and captured her lips in a tender kiss. "But your feet are cold," he whispered teasingly.

"Oh." A wave of relief and excitement washed over her. So they were really going to make love now. Cora couldn't remember when she had last felt so giddy.

They let their hands roam over each other's bodies until Cora's had forgotten how "cold" was even supposed to feel, until their lips were swollen from kissing every bit of bare skin they could reach and their heavy breathing filled the air, but when Cora hooked her fingers into the waistband of his pyjama pants and started to pull them down, Robert sensed that something wasn't right.

He wanted to make love to his wife with all his heart and all his mind, but surprisingly his body - and a certain part of it especially - obviously did not. Cora hadn't noticed yet and continued to strip off his pants and started to kiss her way back up starting with his feet. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on her lips, on her tongue, on her sensual touches because he knew, he had always been exceptionally responsive when she chose to pay that kind of attention to his long legs. But even as she reached his inner thighs and lingered there for what seemed like hours, nothing happened.

Robert had never felt that odd or confused. There was no doubt in his mind that he was aroused, and that he was sufficiently aroused to make love to her right now. He almost desperately wanted to because it had been so long since they had been together and he had started to miss it terribly, but his body showed no sign of it.

"Cora?" He asked quietly.

"What is it?"

"Open your eyes and see for yourself. I can't do it," he sighed and frustration was clearly audible in his voice.

The intonation of his sigh alarmed her greatly and when she looked up she realised, why he sounded so frustrated. After what they had been doing for the last half hour or so he should be more than ready, but he wasn't.

"What's wrong?" She asked, fear welling up inside her.

"I don't know," he mumbled and turned his face away from her so that she wouldn't see how disappointed he was with himself lest she might misinterpret it.

"Don't you want to? Have I done something wrong? Robert! Look at me, please?" She pleaded while moving up again and placing her warm hands on his bare chest.

There it was, the question he had feared but which was inevitable.

"No," with some effort, he brought himself to look into her eyes and smile as warmly as he could. "No, my Darling, you haven't done anything wrong, on the contrary, you have done everything right and please, please believe me when I say I really wanted to make love to you. I still want to. I really do, but obviously I can't. I don't know why. Perhaps I'm too old, I don't know...," he trailed off.

"You're not too old and you know that," Cora tried to reassure him but she knew it wasn't working when a sad, lopsided smile appeared on his lips.

Robert suddenly felt mentally exhausted and couldn't think of anything to say anymore. What was there to say about this performance anyway? So he cupped one of her cheeks with his hand and gave her a peck on the other.

"I'm sorry my love. I'll see you at luncheon," he whispered, got up, gathered his pyjamas together and started to make his way to his dressing room.

Cora's heart ached terribly as she looked at his back and his slumped shoulders. His normally so tall and regal stature had shrunk visibly and he looked almost broken. The sight pained her unimaginably.

"Maybe it was just the medicine?" She called after him just as he had reached the door.

With the hand on the handle he turned his head and the sad smile was back again.

"Maybe," he said weakly and went.


	3. Chapter 3

All midmorning Cora walked around the house in a daze. There was something wrong with Robert and she had no idea what it was or what could have brought this on. The one thing she knew for certain was, that it was very serious. He had never had problems with his performance in bed before. Sure, as they got older, they sometimes needed a bit longer to get in the mood but in the end he had always managed and if she was honest, she liked it almost better, if they spent more time just caressing and kissing each other. It often made the hight at the end so much more rewarding. Not that she hadn't enjoyed their heated couplings which they had frequently indulged in for a long time, but her body was quite unforgiving of hard tables or cold walls these days and it alarmed her especially that he hadn't responded to her intense attention to his legs because they had always been his undoing. His inner thighs had always been her last resort if he had needed a bit too long for her liking.

As long as she didn't know what it was though that had caused this predicament, she couldn't do something about it, or could she?

Since luncheon was a rather quiet affair, Cora had time to watch Robert more closely than she normally did throughout the day. She had to admit, if she hadn't known that something was wrong, she would have had some trouble seeing it in his behaviour. The young ones certainly didn't notice anything different. His silence wasn't that unusual nowadays and he didn't slump like he had this morning, but Cora saw it in the little things. Especially as Matthew started to talk rather enthusiastically about new machinery for the farms and how they would make the whole enterprise much more efficient, Cora saw how Robert closed his eyes for a bit longer than necessary, how his jaws crunched down hard on a piece of, actually very tender, meat and how his knuckles went almost white for a second when he started to cut off another piece of meat a bit too eagerly. Could this be the reason? The young ones and their plans for the estate, his estate? She knew it was rather difficult for him not to be in sole charge anymore but she hadn't realised it would affect him that much.

One thing was absolutely clear, though. If she asked him directly about that, he wouldn't tell her, whether it was true or not. So that was not a promising option and as much as she would have liked to be able to just ask him and get a straight answer, she knew she had to approach it in a different way entirely. And in addition she knew that by now almost everyone, including herself, had told him numerous times that the world had changed, that he had to keep up, that he had to adapt. She could imagine that he was quite sick of it and it could very well be counterproductive if she attempted to have that kind of talk with him again. For now, it seemed, he had reached his limits regarding the brave new world, and thinking of his obvious inability to sleep or his problems from this morning, she feared her husband was already past his limits right now.  
So what would she do herself if she felt it was all too much? Go away for while probably. Gain some distance. But that wasn't Robert's style. He wasn't the kind of man who cut and run. But he wouldn't have to cut and run exactly, would he? If she managed to coax him into a little vacation of some sort, far away from Downton? Well, since she felt she had to do something, and soon, it was certainly worth a try.

Cora, who was heading upstairs after luncheon for a little nap or some more thinking, she wasn't sure, met her husband, who had left the table as soon as it was polite, in the hall. He was dressed for an outing.

"I'm going for a little walk," he told her. Isis, standing next to his feet, looked expectantly at her master and wagged her tail excitedly.

"Might I come with you?" It was out before Cora could think straight.

"I'd rather be alone, Cora," he started but then realised how the mixture of worry and sadness appeared in her marvelous blue eyes again. "But if you like to, of course you can," he continued and even managed to smile because her sorrow disappeared instantly from her face.

"I'd like to very much," she answered and gave him a peck on the cheek, "I'll be back in a second," she beamed and hurried upstairs to get a coat.

For a long while they just walked in silence through the freshly fallen snow, listening to the crunching noise their feet made while each of them dwelt on their own thoughts.

"Robert?" Cora finally felt ready to try.

"Hm?" His mind was miles away, if he was honest.

"Do you remember our winters in Switzerland when we were young?"

"Of course I do," he answered, almost instantly losing himself in another set of images from the past. "They were nice," Robert continued, "Everything was so calm over there. Do you remember that little cottage we once had? That was nice. Everything was so far away, and it was just you and me and no one else...," he trailed off, lost in memories of brighter days.

"What would you say, if we were to go over there again? Have a little break?" She inquired cautiously.

"Do we need one?" Robert looked at her with a strange kind of intensity in his eyes. She knew. His wife had guessed, or noticed - he didn't know - what was troubling him and perhaps she was right. Perhaps he needed a break. Just this morning he had longed for some quiet time to think and just be with Cora, so perhaps this was the perfect idea? And since he obviously wasn't needed here anyway, who would mind if he went to Europe for a while?

"It's the perfect time of the year. And I'm feeling as if I could use some time off, Robert." Cora said and to her own slight surprise, she really meant it. She felt exhausted too, not quite as much as Robert did apparently but nonetheless, the idea of spending some time alone with him somewhere far away from civilisation became more and more alluring by the second.

Robert suddenly felt unimaginably grateful to his wife. She knew, but she didn't say. She didn't berate him or give him another talk about the changing times, how he had to be more modern to survive or how he should listen to the young ones already, although she had every right to do exactly that. She obviously just wanted to help him and if Robert hadn't loved her already with everything he got, he would certainly do so now. With what he had deserved such an exceptional woman, he didn't know.

They had stopped walking and Cora looked expectantly at him, waiting for an answer.

"My brilliant wife," he whispered and bent down until his mouth was mere inches from hers, "I love you," he breathed and kissed her as passionately as their cold lips would allow.

That wasn't quite the answer Cora had expected. It was definitely better. He knew. He knew what she tried to do and he would say yes, Cora was sure of that now and a wave of relief washed over her. Everything would be fine.

"I think it's a splendid idea, Darling. We haven't been there for years," he added as they resumed walking. "Do you think, this little cottage is still there?"

"I don't know, Darling. But I'm going to find out, I promise," Cora beamed, despite the cold, until they reached the house again and her heart leaped in excitement as she went upstairs to make some inquiries.


	4. Chapter 4

They decided they would tell the family as soon as possible and after dinner, when they were gathered all together in the drawing-room, Robert sat down in an armchair and let Cora do the talking. Although he felt somehow calmer after their walk, he still dreaded the moment he would have to go to bed, because tonight, another pill was out of the question.

With a side glance at her brooding husband, who had started to look forlornly into the fire, Cora clapped into her hands.

"Can I have your attention for a moment, all of you? I'd like to make an announcement."

"An announcement? Good lord, I hope your mother isn't coming for a visit?" Her mother-in-law commented in her usual fashion. Cora ignored her and Robert was silently proud of her because she managed not to roll her eyes. At least not too obviously.

"Robert and I have decided to go on vacation."

"And? That is the announcement?" Violet asked in bewilderment. "Couldn't you just tell us? Normally?"

"No, because, we will leave the day after tomorrow and we won't be back until next year." There, she said it. They would leave the family to fend for themselves over Christmas, the most traditional of all family gatherings and the first one without Sybil at that. Cora almost immediately saw some jaws dropping.

"But...," Mary started but Cora cut her off.

"No 'buts'. As you may have noticed, or not, your father and I had a bit of a hard time and we'd like to have some time to ourselves. We think that you all will cope very well without us for a bit," she said more sternly than she had intended.

"But it's Christmas. We've always been together at Christmas," Edith chirped in.

At the periphery of her sight, Cora noticed how Robert still hadn't moved and continued to stare into the fire.

"It may surprise you but before you were born, we were not always together at Christmas and since you are all adults now, we thought we'd revive that little private tradition of our's."

"Were will you be going?" Matthew tried to mediate and Cora was grateful.

"To Switzerland."

"To the continent?" Violet asked with barely concealed disgust.

Cora suddenly heard movement behind her and was slightly startled as Robert appeared by her side and took her hand with unexpected force.

"It is decided," he barked. "And you can whine all you like but there is nothing that will make us change our mind. I'm going to bed," he announced curtly and left so swiftly that Carson didn't have a chance to open the door for him.

"Well," Cora heard his mother murmur into her cognac, "you can go anywhere you want to, but there's really no need to be rude."

"I'm sorry," Cora apologised for her husband and turned to go after him, leaving the family exchanging curious looks, although Violet didn't need long to find her voice again. "If they are going to behave like that it's probably better they go abroad for a while," she told a very concerned looking Mary matter-of-factly.

Hurrying through the hall to reach Robert as soon as possible, she faintly noticed the phone ringing and wasn't really surprised when Carson called after her.

"M'Lady? It's from Switzerland," she heard the butler and stopped dead in her tracks. That was about the only phone call she was prepared to receive at the moment.

Half an hour later Cora opened the door to her bedroom and found Robert, already clad in his pyjamas, sitting in his armchair and staring into the fire, much like he had in the drawing-room.

"Robert?" She approached him slowly. "I have good news, Darling. I've found our little cottage." She knelt beside the chair and placed her hands on his knees. "It's still there and the day after tomorrow we will be there, far away from here..."

"I shouldn't have lost my temper like that," he cut in.

"Darling, no one blames you. Besides you ended the argument and I was rather grateful for that, otherwise I would probably still be standing there listening to our daughters and watching your mother rolling her eyes."

"But they had every right to ask what we were thinking with that. And I shouted at them." Robert's temper was still at boiling point.

"No, Darling, no, we can do what we want, Robert, and we have to do what we need to in order to keep going." As Robert elicited another sigh of frustration Cora stood up and climbed into his lap, although she feared he would reject her advances after what had happened this morning. But to her surprise, he didn't move and kept staring into the fire.

"Look at me, my love," she took his face into her hands and slowly turned his head so that he would look into her eyes. "Remember how we went to our little cottage the first winter after your father had died and you had become Earl? Everyone was against it then, too, but we needed it. We needed it then as we need it now. Remember how good it was? Remember how refreshed and excited we came back?" Her voice had dropped to a whisper for his close proximity and his warm body between her legs were intoxicating. Slowly she started to roll her hips in his lap.

"I remember," Robert breathed against her lips. They were so close now, he could almost touch them with his own without having to move his head. God, she was beautiful. And even more important at the moment, she was right.

"But I shouldn't have shouted at my children...," he tried to continue their conversation as his wife began to nibble at his lower lip. "Cora," he gasped, "I don't think I can...," he trailed off as she suddenly intensified her movements until he let his head fall back unto the back of the armchair.

"Well, if you're sure," she teased him and continued to roll her hips more softly. "Would you at least help me undress, Darling? I don't think I can ring for Baxter right now."

"Of course," Robert murmured and started to open the buttons on the back of her dress one after another while Cora resumed paying attention to his lips.

Robert was confused though, by the way he had treated his children, by the fact that he wasn't absolutely sure if he actually wanted to go to Switzerland, by his inability to find peace, be it in his mind or in the arms of his beautiful wife, and by the lack of reaction his body came up with despite her current ministrations. There were just too many thoughts racing through his head at the moment which he couldn't stop. He wouldn't be able to concentrate on what Cora obviously wanted from him right now and if he was honest, he was afraid that the disaster from this morning would repeat itself.

Nevertheless he let his hands wander across her back, slipped them slowly underneath her dress when he had reached her hips and marvelled at the sight in front of him. She had moaned as his hands had started to caress the insides of her thighs and thrown her head back in anticipation of things to come. Her exposed neck beckoned him and her hands cradled his neck. He gave in, leaned forward and kissed her collarbone hungrily until he felt her hips grind into his lap.

"Robert," she panted, "wait a moment." Cora stood up and undressed right in front of him, her eyes never leaving his. Robert sat in his chair and didn't move, intrigued by what he saw. Cora had never stripped for him before, unfortunately his body still wasn't there with him, so to speak. But Robert wouldn't deny his wife what she deserved, especially not tonight where he felt, he had to make it up to her.

"Come here," he whispered huskily as soon as she had finished and stood naked in front of him.

Cora smiled and climbed back into his lap. She found it slightly odd though, that he hadn't undressed himself, so she put her hand between his legs and started to massage his soft manhood slowly through his pyjama pants.

"Shhh, don't mind me," he hushed into her ear, took her hand away from him and placed a kiss into her palm.

"But...," Cora looked at him in disbelief.

"No 'buts', remember?" He whispered as he silenced her with his lips and his fingers slid inside her.

"Oh good God," she groaned into his mouth as he set an intense rhythm, his thumb pressing down on her special spot, which he had come to know quite well over the years.

"More, yes, Darling...," Cora suddenly gasped, throwing her head back in ecstasy, and when she started to clench around his hand reaching her climax faster than Robert had anticipated, he smiled, feeling very pleased with himself for the first time in weeks.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Thank you everyone for your lovely reviews and for bearing with me on this. I'm sorry the actual plot is not going dynamically forward, but I actually like (to write) dialogue and hope I managed to catch the characters reasonably well, so there's a lot of talking in this chapter, although I don't always know if it's actually relevant for the story arc. I promise in the next chapter they will finally arrive in Switzerland :) Happy New Year!_

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"Robert? Are you awake?" Cora had suddenly woken up with a start. It was still dark outside.

"Mhmm," he confirmed quietly, "please, leave it dark," he added as he heard Cora move into the direction of her nightstand.

"What time is it?" She asked.

"I don't know. Almost dawn, I guess. Want to come over here?"

"Have you slept at all?" Cora asked cautiously after she had settled into his arms and rested her head on his shoulder.

"A bit," Robert answered truthfully. "Cora? What if... what if I'm never going to find sleep ever again? I mean, without help?" Her husband sounded like a little boy, frightened by something he didn't understand.

"I'm sure everything will be fine, Robert, once we had a bit of rest. Can I ask you something?" Maybe it was the right time.

"Of course, darling," Robert said after a pause. He knew his wife and was fairly sure what question she was going to ask.

"What is it that keeps you awake? Have you any idea?"

"I do. At least I think I do. But if I tell you, promise not to scold me? Or laugh?" He said, looking down at her face which was half-hidden in nightly shadows.

"I promise," Cora said, smiling silently to herself and caressing his chest lovingly.

"I had nightmares in which Downton burned down to the ground, and I couldn't save the children. I couldn't save you. I just saw you running out of the house... burning... and I just stood there, and didn't move. Not one bit," Robert was whispering by now, "and when I turned around, the whole estate had burned down. It was all in ashes and I was just standing there, in a pile of ashes. And you...," he trailed off, unable to continue that line of thought, "and well, after three nights with those pictures, I just didn't sleep anymore. And I still can't and I don't know why that keeps going on. I mean, it's not the first nightmare I had."

"Oh God, darling, that's terrible," Cora was honestly shocked but could also imagine why he was dreaming this particular dream. "I do think however, that some time away from Downton will help you. Truly. And I don't think this will stay forever."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry I doubted it last evening, after I had said yes already. I know you're right. And I am looking forward to it." He was sure of it now.

"You doubted it? Didn't look like that to me down in the drawing-room." Cora said, concern clearly audible in her voice.

"That was just... well, I don't know what it was. Yes, I wasn't absolutely sure whether I wanted to go or not."

"But now you are?" She asked cautiously.

"Now I am," Robert said and kissed the top of her head, "sometimes, things really do look clearer in the morning."

"I'm glad," Cora smiled with relief.

"Do you think, that old stuff will still be there, in the cottage?" He asked, trying to steer the conversation into a slightly different direction.

"You mean the fluffy rug?" She asked with just a hint of teasing in her voice.

"And the lovely settee in front of the fireplace, and the small bed with that God awful mattress," he chuckled, remembering those particular pieces of furniture with a certain fondness but also with a little anxiety. What if his recent physical problems weren't the result of the sleeping pills? What if that was an entirely different problem? Robert had brushed Dr Clarkson off quite briskly when the doctor had tried to explain the many different side effects the drug could produce, and regretted it now severely. Well, he could ask Clarkson and embarrass himself or he could wait and see. Robert opted for the latter. For now.

Cora had started to giggle in his arms and he hugged her more tightly to himself. "Yes, I mean all of those and I don't know... the little sleigh, the skis, the old teapot, Fritzi the mouse..."

"Robert, stop it, you're making me laugh."

"Would that be so bad? I like your laugh," he said and kissed her again, this time on her forehead.

"I know. And I like yours. I haven't heard it for quite some time, though." Cora said, mitigating her words with a kiss on his lips.

"Yes, well. I'll try to better myself," Robert answered. "Speaking of bettering myself, I mustn't forget to pack the medicine."

Cora sighed. "I'd rather you leave it here. We don't know, what this stuff will do to you in the long run."

"It's just a precaution," Robert argued, "what if I can't sleep over there as well? I don't want to ruin our vacation by being up and about all the time."

"Don't take it with you. Please? Robert?" Cora was almost begging. "I'll stay up with you, if you can't sleep. I'll bring a trunk full of the most boring books I can think of, but please, don't bring the pills."

Robert sighed. Perhaps she was right on this one, too? He had taken far too much of it over the last weeks already, but he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to go to sleep without them. But on the other hand, how was he to find out if he didn't try and his best bet at the moment was to leave it behind at Downton.

"Perhaps you're right. Perhaps I should leave it here," Robert conceded.

Cora couldn't help herself, flung her arms around his neck and covered his face with kisses.

"And I will make it my sole purpose on this trip to tire you out. In any way I can think of."

* * *

"Mama? Can I come in?" It was almost time for dinner when Mary knocked at her mother's door. Since yesterday evening Mary was concerned.

"Of course," Cora called out, gathering together the last bit of things she wanted to take with her.

"Have you finished packing?" Mary asked, not wanting to plunge head first into a probably difficult conversation.

"Almost, although I mustn't forget to have a look at your father's luggage before dinner." Cora spoke almost to herself.

"Why do you want to look at Papa's luggage? Don't you trust Bates to pack everything?" Mary was slightly confused.

"Oh Mary, of course I trust Bates, but... but, well...," Cora sighed. Inadvertently she had managed to maneuver herself into an awkward situation. Robert surely wouldn't want her to tell their daughters about his problems.

"Mama? What is going on?" They had reached the conversation which Mary had actually came for sooner than she had thought. "Why is Papa behaving so, well, oddly as of late? He seems to be irritated all the time and why are you leaving so suddenly? I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry, but you have to admit, all of this is not like you."

Cora sighed again. She'd rather avoided this conversation but maybe it was better, if Mary knew the truth? Then Matthew would know as well and that would probably lead to an easier and calmer Christmas for the family.

"Sit down, Mary. It is actually not complicated. At least not very. Your father has got problems, with his sleep," she added hastily after Mary's eyes had visibly widened, "he is not sleeping well, if at all, and he hasn't for weeks now. So I thought a change of scenery would do him good. And for the rush, well, he has started to take some medicine so that he might find sleep at least once in a while, but this drug is not good for him, do you understand? And I want him to recover his ability to sleep peacefully at night as soon as humanly possibly before something worse happens."

"I see," Mary said quietly, "and I understand," she added and placed her hand on her mother's. She didn't often do that, for her American mother often irritated her, if she was honest, but this was different. Mary knew how devoted their parents were to each other and it had pained her more than she cared to admit when they had drifted so noticeably apart after Sybil's death. As vexing as her father could sometimes be with his traditional or even outdated values and as irritating as her mother could be with her American perspective on everything British, they were her parents and she wouldn't be able to bear it if anything happened to them. Even to one of them, because she was absolutely sure, it would be the death of the other.

"Then you must go, whatever Granny may say or Edith may think," Mary continued after she had detected tears welling up in her mother's eyes. "If it's alright with you, I'll tell Matthew and we will see to it that Christmas here at home will be undisturbed by your absence. And please make sure, Papa leaves this medicine here."

"Thank you," Cora said with a small sob, squeezing the hand of her eldest daughter firmly.


End file.
